she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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