im about as happy as oj after his trial
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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