We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
we should paint friendship bongs
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