Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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