I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
