Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
