between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
