Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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