there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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