They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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