no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
