First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
