the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
