she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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