hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
