i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
