So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
