My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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