also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
