i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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