y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so let's talk penis.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
