Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
