I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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