Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize