blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
