Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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