I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You can't special order awesome
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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