Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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