the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
