I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
