the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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