who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize