I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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