just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
