wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
