i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
