my being single is dangerous.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
