i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
