She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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