Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
