woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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