I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize