All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
