I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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