I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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