Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
