Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize