You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
