Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sarcasm needs its own font
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
