my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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