you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
