btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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