Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
