i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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