: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
please come you make the beer taste better
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
