I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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