somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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