I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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