You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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