Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
