I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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