i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
