I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
porn star boner night. come get it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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