i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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