Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
