I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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